Adaptive Coping: Survival Responses to Threat and Trauma

The subcortical brain and autonomic nervous system work in tandem to keep us safe in the face of threat, perceived or actual. With physical threat, we rely on the fight, flight, freeze response to activate and keep us physically safe (think of the proverbial lion creeping through the grass of the Serengeti about to attack a gazelle. In a split second, the gazelle activates to either fight back, run away, or freeze in the hope that the lion will lose interest in the attack).

The understanding of this protective triad has expanded to include more sophisticated behavioral responses to emotional danger (i.e. rejection, abandonment, and criticism). In order to mitigate the fear and danger of those emotional threats, individuals adapt with attach/cry for help, please and appease (aka fawn), or collapse/submit in an attempt to maintain safety in relationship.

These (mal)adaptive responses are fleshed out and contextualized when we consider attachment theory and styles.

Attachment Theory: Our Need for Safety and Belonging in Relationships

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, is a psychological framework that explains the profound, enduring emotional bonds formed between humans, particularly focusing on the early relationship between a child and their primary caregiver. It suggests that these early bonds significantly influence an individual's emotional development, self-esteem, sense of safety in the world, and their ability to form relationships throughout life. The theory emphasizes the innate need for humans to form close, secure attachments for survival and well-being. This is on a micro level that expands into mezzo and macro collectivism.

Here's a breakdown of the four main adult attachment styles:

Secure Attachment:

Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and interdependence, balancing independence and closeness in relationships. They have a positive view of themselves and others and are generally comfortable with emotional expression and vulnerability.

Preoccupied (Anxious) Attachment:

This style is characterized by a strong desire for intimacy and a fear of abandonment, often leading to anxiety and insecurity in relationships. Individuals with this style may be overly dependent and seek constant reassurance from their partners.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:

Individuals with this style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, often to the point of appearing detached or emotionally unavailable. They may suppress their emotions and have difficulty with intimacy and closeness.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment:

This style combines a desire for intimacy with a fear of vulnerability and potential rejection. Individuals with this style may crave close relationships but also fear getting hurt, leading to unpredictable behaviors, high volatility, and emotional distance in relationships (think "I hate you, don't leave me!").

Upon further exploration, we can see a clear connection between insecure attachment and the nervous system responses to emotional threat. An anxiously attached individual would lean towards please and appease as a way to mitigate the fear of abandonment. A person with this attachment style will fawn and do whatever the other person wants in an attempt to make them stay. Ironically, the very behavior that is intended to keep them safe in a relationship creates a self-abandonment of their own wants, needs, boundaries, and intuition. Ultimately, there is still a lack of safety.

Someone who is avoidantly attached can easily resort to emotional collapse and distance in the face of emotional threat as the bids for authentic connection in relationship threaten the fragile capacity for intimacy. Collapsing, shutting down, submitting, or detaching result in the individual feeling alone. Ironically, someone who is avoidant of intimacy sees it as threatening, but they still inherently want authentic connection. Again, we see this behavior as maladaptive because it winds up creating the very dynamic it was meant to prevent.

The disorganizedly attached individual will experience intense volatility when it comes to closeness in a relationship. This can lead to a "push and pull" dynamic. There is a simultaneous desire for and fear of deep connection which can lead to issues with emotional and physical proximity. This pattern can lead to pushing the other away and then and abrupt pivot into attaching or crying for help.

The Way Through

The way we heal insecure attachment / create secure attachment is first in learning how to self-soothe. This requires an approach that comfort the nervous system to reduce the perception of threat and build stamina when facing actual emotional threat. Just as we are wounded in relationship, we are also healed. Human connection is the conduit for a sense of love, purpose, and belonging. In the face of relational threat, emotional overwhelm permeates us with fear, kicking off the HPA axis that floods our brain and body with adrenaline, cortisol, and a cascade of other stress hormones. During this process, there is a neurological override of the pre-frontal cortex (the seat of logic, rationality, problem solving, and impulse control) and dominance by the limbic system. We can't think our way through this! The approach is to go through the body, a "bottom up" approach, utilizing the five senses and grounding techniques, to restore a sense of safety in the nervous system. It is vital to employ soothing techniques at this time to restore a sense of safety in the body. Numbing, distracting, and avoiding are short-term fixes but not solutions. In the long-run, numbing, distracting, and avoiding behaviors can lead to addiction, destructive habits, and emotional fragility and impotency. By incorporating soothing and calming strategies, you build emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and robust resiliency.

Physical and Emotional Safety

Ultimately, at our core, we are a species that has a biological drive to survive, and that means reducing threat and maintaining a sense of safety. The balance we achieve is a sense of trust in ourselves to make choices that keep ourselves safe, and also to find relative safety and belonging in meaningful connections with others. This can be achieved in individual relationships, families, and society at large. If these connections are ruptured or damaged (for a myriad of reasons) we develop many responses in an attempt to adapt and survive. Some are normal responses to abnormal situations, but they may not be healthy or support wellbeing. The key is to recognize your attachment style, evaluate your patterns of relating, and discern whether they are supporting authentic and meaningful connections.